The Lisatronic Misplacement
by jfrankliniv
Summary: Following the HR meeting from "The Egg Salad Equivalency," Howard races to the lab to take apart his beloved Lisatronic & her six breasts. There's just one problem: She's missing. And to make matters worse, it's the night of the alumni dinner, an inconvenient fact that makes his frantic search efforts all the more unhelpful - especially when Lisa keeps turning up everywhere...
1. Chapter 1

_The Lisatronic Misplacement Prologue J. Franklin  
_

** THE LISATRONIC MISPLACEMENT**

**PROLOGUE**

**Note:** This story takes place shortly after "The Egg Salad Equivalency," S6 E12.

_(SCENE: HOWARD's laboratory at Cal-Tech. HOWARD enters with LEONARD and moves quickly to the far end of the room.)_

LEONARD: Don't you think you're over-reacting just a little bit to all of this?

HOWARD: You heard what Mrs. Davis said. One more violation and it's curtains for Howard Joel Wolowitz. (_Turns to him_) And since none of you guys have the same record for being misunderstood that I do, let's just say I'd rather just not take any chances…

LEONARD: (_Following him_) But she doesn't even know about the Lisatronic –

HOWARD: _(Pulling open a drawer and removing various tools.)_ Yes, she does! Sheldon had to open that Texas-sized big mouth of his and now she and half the HR department probably have dartboards with a certain Jewish astronaut's picture on them because of it.

LEONARD: Okay, but don't you think this is just a bit over the top?

HOWARD: Hey, YOU want to try telling Bernadette's father you're out of a job and have to rely on her to pay the bills?

LEONARD: _(Pauses)_ Okay, you're right. He is a scary dude.

HOWARD: _(Moving to another drawer and searching for additional tools.) _Besides, after the whole "spank bank" issue, let's just say I'm not exactly on thicker ice with Bernadette as it is, so getting caught with a six-breasted robot from my bachelor days probably wouldn't go over very well at home, either.

LEONARD: (_Agreeing_) True enough. She really freaked after the hooker discovery –

HOWARD: (_Aghast_) Sssshh! (_Places hand over his mouth_) They could be listening!

LEONARD: (_Rolling eyes_) Okay, enough with the paranoia! (_Pauses_) Actually, that reminds me, what was up with the six breasts, anyway?

HOWARD: (_Stops_) Because I wanted to see if I could double what the alien hooker had in "Total Recall."

LEONARD: (_Thinks_) Yeah, but that movie's over 20 years old by now – don't you think those things would be pointing south by now?

HOWARD: _(Surprised at him_) Not the ones on top… (_He goes back to looking for more tools_.)

Anyway, I'm just going to have to take poor Lisa apart and try again some other day to give her life…

LEONARD: Well spoken, Dr. Frankenstein.

HOWARD: (_Stops_) I just wish I could give her a nice home someplace, you know?

LEONARD: Well, hey, you mentioned the spank bank. Why not just give her to Koothrappali?

HOWARD: (_Shaking his head_) You saw what the porn collection did to him. He spent six weeks trying to convince us all he had was just carpal tunnel syndrome…

LEONARD: (_Thinks_) True. It was funny trying to make him pick things up for a while, though.

HOWARD: (_Stops. Laughs with him._) Yeah. And Sheldon putting the Novocain in Kripke's Vaseline was a stroke of diabolical genius as well.

LEONARD: (_Smiling_) Yeah. Fun times, huh?

HOWARD: You said it. (_Waits a beat_) Well, time to take a woman apart! _(Moves toward a large drawer in the back.)_

LEONARD: Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, why don't you just put her in a safe deposit box like you did with the porn collection?

HOWARD: (_Fishing keys out of his pocket_ _and shaking his head._) Uh-uh. I had to combine the comic books with the spank bank, and those alone meant I had to move to a bigger box. (_Pauses_) And since the bank teller mistook my asking her out and then telling her that (makes quotation marks with fingers) "I really want something with a bigger box," I'm kinda skittish about any more potential run-ins, you know? (_Unlocks drawer and sighs_.) Here we go! (_Pulls open drawer and looks inside. Stops_.) Uh-oh.

LEONARD: What do you mean, uh-oh?

HOWARD: (_Opens drawer the rest of the way_.) She's not here!

LEONARD: (_Surprised_) What?!

HOWARD: (_Horrified_) She's gone! Look!

LEONARD: _(Looks inside_) Uh-oh.

HOWARD: (_Angry_) Thanks for the comforting words. What are we going to do now?

LEONARD: _We?! _

HOWARD: Yes, WE! You guys helped with this!

LEONARD: I'd hardly call giving you a spare motherboard and some additional circuits "helping."

HOWARD: (_Panicking_) Okay, fine! What am I going to do?!

LEONARD: Well, calm down. Maybe somebody moved her –

HOWARD: Who?! Who would move Lisa?! No one even knows about her except you guys! Where could she be?!

_(Cut to: RAJ's office. He has decked out his desk with a white tablecloth and candles and is sitting across from a realistic-looking female mannequin with blond hair wrapped in a barber's cloth. RAJ pours some wine for her.) _

RAJ: It's so very nice to see you this evening, Lisa.

LISATRONIC: (_In SIRI's voice_) Thank. You. Rajesh. Please. Call. Me. Siri.

3


	2. Chapter 2

_The Lisatronic Misplacement Act I J. Franklin  
_

** THE LISATRONIC MISPLACEMENT**

**ACT I**

_**Note:** This story takes place shortly after "The Egg Salad Equivalency," S6 E12._

_(SCENE: HOWARD'S lab. LEONARD is with him; SHELDON is in the doorway holding up his smartphone.)_

SHELDON: I just got the message! Why are we at DefCon 5 again?

LEONARD: Howard's Lisatronic robot has gone missing.

SHELDON: _(Puzzled)_ What?! That doesn't call for a DefCon 5 situation. DefCon 5 is peacetime. The scale escalates as the numerical value diminishes. _(Ponders)_ If Howard's robot and her lady parts have gone missing, this is clearly more like at DefCon 3 – or even a two!

HOWARD: (_Irritated_) Sheldon…

SHELDON: What?! I'm just trying to help prevent misuse of the defense condition designation! We don't confuse yellow alert with red alert –

LEONARD: Sheldon! Please! We need to focus on Howard's problem right now.

SHELDON: (_Shaking his head_) Why? I don't see how Howard's missing robot qualifies as an emergency requiring any of our precious time! He built the woman with the animatronic breasts, let him lie with them!

HOWARD: (_Angrily_) I would, but in case you overlooked what we just tried to tell you, SHE IS MISSING!

SHELDON: _(Pauses_) Again, I don't understand. (_Looks at LEONARD and HOWARD quizzically._) If your whole purpose for bringing us down here was to help you get rid of her; but she's ALREADY gone, then isn't that just the fulfillment of your original intention without any necessary effort on our part? Shouldn't you be glad rather than sad?

HOWARD: (_Shakes his head_) No way. My people learned long ago never to take it calmly whenever someone suddenly disappears…

SHELDON: Oh. _(Pauses)_ Ohhh! I had no idea. I merely thought Lisa represented yet another of your failed attempts to satisfy the needs of your perverse libido!

LEONARD: She did.

SHELDON: Well, then why is he upset if she's missing?

HOWARD: (_Unable to take it any longer_) BECAUSE IF SHE IS MISSING SOMEONE ELSE MIGHT FIND HER!

SHELDON: (_Quizzically to LEONARD_) Once again, I still fail to see how this represents MY problem…

LEONARD: Sheldon –

HOWARD: (_Cutting in_) Okay, okay, OKAY! Let me see if I can put this into words the great Sheldon Cooper will understand –

SHELDON: Fine. (_Pauses and crosses arms_) Although if you'd done that first, it would have saved us from having this part of the conversation now…

HOWARD: (_Leans in_) Remember how Alex got you sent to the HR office for sexual harassment?

SHELDON: (_Frowns_) Yes…

HOWARD: And remember how you could have simply taken your punishment like a man but instead chose to drag ALL OF US down with you in your pathetic little tantrum that just about nearly got us all fired?

SHELDON: (_Still frowning_) Yes…

HOWARD: (_Pauses for effect_) Well, I'm prepared to do THE SAME THING RIGHT NOW if you don't help us find out where Lisa is! _(Pats him on the shoulder)_ Got it?

SHELDON: (_Frowns_.) Oh. (_Eyes widening_) Oh! Oh, my God! That poor girl! We have to find her!

LEONARD: _(Checking his watch) _Yeah, and we better do it fast, too. The alumni dinner is scheduled to start in a couple of hours, and you know what Dr. Gablehauser told us last year…

SHELDON: (_Quizzical_) As I recall, he said we didn't have to attend any more alumni functions at all! _(Pauses_) In fact, I specifically remember him saying after we attended the last one, "Consider yourselves permanently excused from any future alumni gatherings!"

HOWARD: (To LEONARD) Let me take this one, too. I always enjoy shattering him with reality. (_Turns to SHELDON_) I think his EXACT words were, "I better not find any of you anywhere near any alumni functions in the future or I'm going to boot your sorry asses off this campus for good!"

SHELDON: (_Blinks several times_) Well, yes, I suppose if you wanted to include the original language he used that I was uncomfortable repeating…

HOWARD: Enough! Enough! Can you please just help us find Lisa?

LEONARD: (_Quietly_) And her six breasts.

SHELDON: What? Six breasts?! I always thought that was just simple bragging on Howard's part!

LEONARD: No, it was real. It was a feature Howard insisted on adding. She has six breasts (_gestures awkwardly_) – three across and…then…another row of…three underneath.

SHELDON: Well, that certainly seems rather superfluous. Why on earth would a robot have a need for so many mammaries?

LEONARD: Because he wanted to outdo the hooker from "Total Recall."

SHELDON: (_Startled_) The hooker from "Total Recall?" (_Ponders)_ That movie was made over 20 years ago! Surely those things are sagging by now –

HOWARD: Enough! Enough! Let's just go find Koothrappali!

_(Fade to: RAJ's office. The boys are walking in the door. HOWARD is talking.)_

HOWARD: " – we just need to get Koothrappali to help us and we can find Lisa and – " (_Sees animated mannequin-like robot head atop barber's cloth seated across from RAJ) _OH, MY GOD!

RAJ: (_Unfazed)_ Hi, guys! (_Pauses and lowers his voice_) Hey, I'm on a practice date now, so, can you come back later?"

HOWARD: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH LISA?!

RAJ: (_Confused_) I just told you. I'm on a practice date!

LEONARD: A practice date?!

RAJ: Yes. I always have problems talking to women, so I thought I would borrow her for a practice date so I could get some experience. I even programmed my Siri phone to be her voice! Watch! _(Turns back to LISA.) _Lisa, what is your name?

LISA (in SIRI's voice): Hello. My. Name. Is. Lisa. (_Pauses_) Oh. Hot. Indian. Hunk. Of. Mine!

RAJ: (_Embarrassed_) Um. She may have gotten carried away with my programming...

HOWARD: (_Mortified_) Oh, my God! How could you do this?! I've been panicking for the last half hour about this! (_Runs over to LISA_)

RAJ: What? I just borrowed her for a while –

HOWARD: You BORROWED her?! Did it ever occur to you that that might cause me to have a heart attack?!

RAJ: _(Innocently_) Well, um…no!

HOWARD: (_Incredulous_) What do you mean, NO?!

RAJ: Well, I always figured if you had a heart attack, it would be because of what Sheldon always says about your diet of deli meats!

HOWARD: _(Looking over LISA_) Nevermind. Let's just get her back to the office and lock her back up, okay?

RAJ: We can't do that! I'm not finished with my date yet!

LEONARD: Actually, I think you are, Raj.

RAJ: What?! Why?!

SHELDON: (_To LEONARD and HOWARD_) Permit me to explain. (_Turns to RAJ_) Wolowitz and Hofstadter are convinced that if Lisa is found, Dr. Gablehauser will have us all thrown out of the university.

RAJ: Why?

LEONARD: Because tonight is the alumni dinner! In another couple of hours, this entire building is going to be crawling with rich academics who want to see what their donations are buying. And if they see this…(_Gestures to LISA_)…we may all be applying for full-time jobs down at the cafeteria!

RAJ: (_Confused_) I don't understand. (_Turns to SHELDON_) You told me Dr. Gablehauser said we never had to attend any more alumni events…

HOWARD: (_Interrupting_) Look, let's just TALK ABOUT THIS LATER, OKAY?! (_Lifts sheet_) Is the rest of her around here?

RAJ: Of course! I only set up the top! (_Pauses_) I wanted to look into her eyes that are like little dimple-dots of the purest ink!

LEONARD: (Pausing) Yeah, we ah, really have got to get you to start reading guy-books again…

HOWARD: (_Checking under sheet_) Well, where's the rest of her?!

RAJ: Oh, relax. The rest of her is over there –

_(Cut to new camera angle: A steel cart in the foreground with the guys in the background. The cart is empty.)_

RAJ: (_In the same voice as LEONARD and HOWARD from the Prologue_) Uh-oh.

HOWARD: (_Horrified_) What do you mean, _uh-oh_?! (_Approaches camera_) WHERE IS THE REST OF HER?!

_(Camera angle returns to wide view)_

RAJ: (_Frightened_) STOP SHOUTING AT ME! (_HOWARD says nothing but immediately begins grappling with RAJ. LEONARD and SHELDON quickly break them apart._)

HOWARD: YOU LOST HER! YOU LOST LISA!

RAJ: I DIDN'T LOSE HER!

HOWARD: THEN WHERE IS SHE?!

RAJ: I DON'T KNOW! I ONLY WANTED HEAD FOR MY PRACTICE DATE!

SHELDON: (_Smirking to LEONARD_) Kind of gives new meaning to the term, doesn't it?

LEONARD: Sheldon! (_Turns to RAJ and HOWARD_) Guys! Guys! GUYS! C'mon! (_Tries to break them apart_)

HOWARD: (_Still grappling_) He's going to get us all fired!

RAJ: (_Fighting back_) No, I'm not!

HOWARD: How can you say that?!

RAJ: (_Through clenched teeth_) Simple. If this goes down, you're the only one who's getting fired! _(They continue fighting.)_

LEONARD: (_Still trying to break them up)_ Guys, c'mon! This isn't helping!

HOWARD: I'm not interested in helping! I'm interested in hurting!

RAJ: Oh, really? _(Mockingly)_ That's pretty tough talk from a man who had to build his own girlfriend!

HOWARD: (_Retorting_) Oh, this from the man who has to borrow that same girlfriend – BECAUSE HE CAN'T TALK TO REAL WOMEN!

_(A cellphone rings)_

LEONARD: Guys! GUYS! Hold on a second! (_Answers phone_) Hello? Oh, hi, Bernadette!

HOWARD: _(Still grappling_) Why is my wife calling your phone?

RAJ: (_Likewise grappling)_ Maybe because she wants to talk to a real man instead of someone who is still fixated on his mother!

LEONARD: Guys! Guys! GUYS! She says she called because she already tried Howard's phone and got no answer!

_(RAJ and HOWARD stop grappling) _

HOWARD: (_Quietly pats his pockets_) Oh. Must have left my phone back in the lab!

LEONARD: Hold on. (_Listens_) Okay, I'll tell him. (_Hangs up phone_) She says that Penny is going to have to drive her over here tonight to help with the dinner because your car is in the shop.

HOWARD: What? Why is she helping with the dinner?

LEONARD: She said it has something to do with Dr. Gablehauser telling her (makes air quotations) "she needs to step in since her husband was such a donation killer last year."

HOWARD: Oh. (_Pauses_) Nice to know she has my back…

SHELDON: (_Checking watch_) Gentlemen? May I remind all of you that we are now at t-minus two hours and still have not found the missing robotic lady parts?

HOWARD: (_To RAJ_) Where did you last see her?

RAJ: _(Exasperated_) I told you! Right over there on the cart!

LEONARD: When did you bring her down here?

RAJ: Last night!

LEONARD: Okay, so the rest of her has to be around here somewhere.

SHELDON: What parts exactly are we missing?

HOWARD: (_Quietly_) Just the six breasts.

SHELDON: Six breasts?! What happened to the rest of her?!

HOWARD: (_Quietly_) There…really…wasn't…any rest of her!

LEONARD: Why not?

HOWARD: (_Sheepish_) I got a little…hung up after doing the breasts and all…

LEONARD: _(Thinks for a moment)_ Was this last year when you told all of us you had tennis elbow?

HOWARD: (_Meekly_) Um…maybe…

RAJ: You know, I always wondered how you could get tennis elbow if we never saw you playing tennis…

HOWARD: (_Exasperated_) Look, can we just focus here?! We need to find the rest of Lisa –

SHELDON: You mean we need to find her missing breasts!

HOWARD: (_Nods awkwardly_) Well, yeah, I suppose if you want to put it bluntly…

LEONARD: (_Face palms_) I can't believe you're asking us to go on a treasure hunt for missing robotic boobs…

RAJ: Hey! Don't talk about Lisa like that! She's a lady!

LEONARD: Oh, come on! She's a robot!

RAJ: To you – to me, she's a beautiful, delicate flower!

LISA: (_Coming back to life_) Oh. Yes. Raj. That. Is. It. Give. It. To. Me. Harder. Baby! (_The guys look at RAJ_.)

RAJ: Hey, I never said my _phone_ was a delicate flower…

HOWARD: (_Taking control_) Okay, look! (_Pulls sheet over LISA_) You guys get started – I'm going to disassemble Lisa and lock her back in storage. (_He grabs the empty cart._)

RAJ: Hey! You can't do that! We haven't finished our date yet!

SHELDON: Actually, by our measure, you have. She's already talked dirty to you about things you haven't even done yet, so clearly she's just faking it.

RAJ: (_Aghast_) Faking it? But why would she do that?!

SHELDON: Good question. As a scientist, it's not as though you're made of money –

HOWARD: Guys! Please!

SHELDON: Oh, right.

LEONARD: (_Checking watch_) C'mon! We don't have much time! (_They begin heading for the door._)

SHELDON: Where should we start?!

LEONARD: I don't know. You check Kripke's office, Raj and I will check around the rest of the department.

SHELDON: Why Kripke's office?

LEONARD: Because if there is anyone in this department more hard up than Raj and who has a bona fide (makes air quotations again) "bwest fettish," it would be Kripke…

SHELDON: Oh, good point…

_(DISSOLVE TO: PENNY and BERNADETTE in PENNY's car on the way to campus.)_

PENNY: (_Disbelievingly_) Tell me again why you're doing this.

BERNADETTE: (_Prim and proper, as always_) Because Dr. Gablehauser said they needed some help with the alumni dinner this evening!

PENNY: (_Dubious_) You're sure this has nothing to do with what happened last year at this thing?

BERNADETTE: (_In denial_) I don't know what you're talking about.

PENNY: (_Shaking her head_) Oh really? You mean, you don't remember Sheldon getting tipsy on too many glasses of wine and the president telling Howard and Raj had to take him someplace else before he mooned the faculty again?

BERNADETTE: I don't see what's so wrong about that!

PENNY: Bernadette, they LOCKED HIM IN THE MEDICAL RESEARCH LAB WITH THE CADAVERS!

BERNADETTE: (_Becoming angry_) Howie said THEY LOST THE KEY!

PENNY: (_Shaking her head again_) Whatever._ (Pauses) _ The whole thing wouldn't have been so bad if Sheldon hadn't passed out on one of the gurneys down there. (_Clenches jaw_) That poor cleaning maid got the scare of her life the next morning when he woke up and started throat singing…

BERNADETTE: (_Cocking her head_) Was that what made the entire cleaning staff resign?

PENNY: (_Sarcastically_) I don't know – YA THINK? (_Her phone rings_) Oh, hang on…(_She answers._) Hello?

BERNADETTE: Should you really be answering that while you're driving?

PENNY: Not to worry. I do this all the time. (_A car horn sounds sharply. PENNY yanks the wheel back and yells out her window_) Hey, UP YOURS TOO! (_Turns back to her phone_.) What's up? (_Pauses_) Yeah, she's right here with me. We're almost there! (_Frowns_) You want me to tell her WHAT?! (_Pauses again_) No, don't hang up, I –

BERNADETTE: (_Becoming increasingly nervous_) Your "check engine" light is still on!

PENNY: (_Ignoring her_) What?! No, I can't – hello? HELLOO?

BERNADETTE: What's wrong?

PENNY: (_Putting phone down_) You have the weirdest husband.

BERNADETTE: What makes you say that?

PENNY: I don't know. I think they did something in the medical lab again. All he said was he needed our help finding some missing breasts before the alumni dinner…

_(Cut to: Commercial)_


End file.
